A funny thing happened on the way to Athens… A short play

A short play

Written by Shelagh Grieveson – June 2015

     

INT. EVENING AT TULLARMARINE AIRPORT – MELBOURNE  

The United Emirates Plane taxi’s slowly onto the runway. It is packed with holidaymakers, back packers, and dreamy honeymooners. The middle-aged folk are dressed in comfy trackie daks, and running shoes, in readiness to depart on the long, overnight flight to Athens. The Aircrew prepare for take off, and everyone is seated, belted up, and yawning as they observe and listen to the safety demonstration.

AIRCREW

‘Listen up you lot. If in the event of an emergency, please notify the crew, who will be sitting, with a glass of wine, or a Scotch On The Rocks, and will have their shoes and socks off, and their feet up, at the rear of the aircraft.

Flighty, hot Hosties

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Passengers, please note that, the prettier two lassies, of the crew of six, might well, be in the cockpit, helping Captain Birdseye and his Co Pilot to navigate the cumulus cloud. If oxygen, is required, in the event of turbulence, masks will drop down, on top of you. If, any of you feel the onset of the heebee gee bees, a flashing strip of lights, will illuminate the floor of the two, main aisles, and might enable you to find your way to the bar, and where, we will serve you complimentary ‘Mile High’ cocktail drinks, to calm you all down, and get everyone bonding together.

Please remain in your seats with your seat belts securely fastened until the seat belt sign has been switched off.’

Miss Moneypenny – A La Olga

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INT. INSIDE THE PLANE

Prudence Fucklberry makes her way to, the G window seat, in row forty-five. She unpacks her Danielle Steel novel, and a Greek phrase book; she feels good, she is waxed, plucked and tasered, and wears her gun-metal Nancy Ganz body suit, with detachable chiffon, well ventilated, buttoned knickers, and Prudence is delighted with her decision, to wear this lingerie under a marl grey, velour, two piece pantsuit, and a cheesecloth T-shirt.

Prudence is very excited about her holiday, and hopes to fill her bags with hundreds of, ‘glow in the dark’ Greek, good luck key rings. She has read somewhere that, these novelties are available, in a variety of colours, and help to ‘ward off’ the evil eye.

Prudence receives her meal tray from the Air Hostess, and chooses the flavoursome, grainy, tannin spice, infused Chateau Tanunda Cab Sav. It is the perfect accompaniment to the gourmet sausage, and is served on a on a Sunblest roll with a dash of harissa and caramelized onion.,

A very dishy, middle-aged man is seated in the C chair next to Prudence. He has salt and pepper, short curly hair, and sports a loose, grey V-neck, wool sweater, over his shirt. They don’t speak but Prudence tries hard to make her profile look dreamy, nonchalant, and effortlessly sexy, in between taking little nibbles of her sausage. Every now and then, Prudence wets her lips, and rubs a smidgen of Poison, behind her ears. The perfume had been an unexpected gift from Chuck, a former boyfriend.

PRUDENCE

Excuse me, do you mind if I put the armrest down?

DISHY MAN

Sure, that’s fine with me.

INT. MOVIE TIME

The cabin lights are dimmed, and the passengers begin to relax and watch the in-flight movie entertainment. Prudence settles into her cozy G spot, and decides on a sad, tear-jerking film, called, Brief Encounter. The movie is very moving, and Prudence begins to sniffle and needs to blow her nose. She does hope that, the dishy man can’t hear the little piggy snorts, as she sneezes into her hanky. Prudence does not need to bother her, red henna, coiffed head at all, as, the dishy man is fully absorbed in a thriller, and sucking on his peanuts.

After a while, Prudence calls the, Hostess with the Mostest.

PRUDENCE

Would you mind, bringing me a glass of water please? I’m feeling a bit hot, and flustered.

HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST

Of course Mam, I will bring you a glass of water, straight away.

INT. WITH THE DISHY MAN

The emotional film finishes, but Prudence has not been able to stop her nose from running, and so, she decides to take a trip to the toilet, fetching herself a Clary-Tune tablet and her little overnight pack, so that she can fix up her hair, and change her knickers.

PRUDENCE

 Ahem, I might just squeeze past you if thats  not too much trouble, I need to nip to the … y’know … the loo.    

THE DISHY MAN

 Not a problem, can you manage to get out?

PRUDENCE

Yep, just perfect, thanks.

 

INT. MOVING THROUGH THE CABIN  

Prudence pads her way to the toilet, but becomes acutely aware that some of the passengers looking at her as she passes. A handful of young children who, are sitting, either colouring or playing with finger puppets become distracted by Prudence as she makes her way through the cabin. The children’s faces change, from appearing happy, and content, to sheer terror, and in fact, a couple of toddlers begin to cry, and grab at their mothers breasts.

The dishy man reclines his seat, and he begins to wonder, if he’s sitting next to a Nutter… and resigns himself to the fact, that it is, just his bloody luck.

Prudence enters the toilet, slips the lock over on the door,  illuminating the small area, and pulls down her Nancy Ganz knickers.

As Prudence hovers over the toilet seat trying very hard to use her quad muscles, to maintain control, and without needing to, make contact with the seat, a crazy looking woman stares back at her! Prudence makes a very high pitched, Janet Leigh type of scream and almost falls off the toilet.

PRUDENCE

Ahhhhh!!!! Oh my God! Bloody Hell!

INT. TOILET

After a moment, Prudence realises that, it is indeed, her own reflection that she is seeing in front of her, in the mirror. It dawns on Prudence that, while she had been watching the in-flight movie, her nose had been bleeding profusely. She had been unaware that, each time she had touched her face, she had in fact, been rubbing her hands in her own blood, and smearing it all over her face.

She looks just like someone, who has been stabbed in the head, and so she swiftly attempts to, clean herself up. Her oyster pink, Calvin Klein T-shirt is, so bloodstained – that it looks like, a tie-dye, sixties style remnant, and she turns it, back to front, and inside out – over her pantsuit.

Prudence returns to her seat, and the dishy man makes room for her to pass him. He thinks, ‘oh gawd, thank God for that!’

PRUDENCE

Thanks so much.

THE DISHY MAN

You’re welcome

INT. IN THE G SPOT

Prudence shimmies past the dishy man’s, stone-washed, Levi clad legs. He is wearing canvas loafers, and has tanned ankles. She settles back into her tight G spot, and drifts off to sleep, so soundly and for hours, that, her mouth remains open, and she looks just like a guppy fish. The dishy man feels very uncomfortable and trapped. He is unable to move, as Prudence, in her somnolent state, tends to loll over him, and dribbles onto the sleeve of his new chambre shirt.

The plane arrives in Athens, and the passengers wait to disembark. Their tired faces are creased, and they become impatient to retrieve their bags from the overhead lockers.

AIRCREW:

Good morning passengers. Welcome to Athens. Please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until, Captain Birdseye informs you that it is safe to remove them.

INT. PLANE 

The cabin crew prepare to, take the arms off the cabin

PRUDENCE

 Phew, glad that’s over!

DISHY MAN

Yeah, it’s always good to go down

PRUDENCE

 Hmmm…You’re not kidding…

EXT. ATHENS AIRPORT

The dishy man locates his bags, and assists Prudence with her hand luggage.

Athens is, a sweltering hot, forty degrees, and Prudence feels embarrassed that she is wearing a thick suede jacket over her inside out, and back to front, oyster pink tie-dye top, and pant suit. She looks a bit like, Joan Rivers, on crack cocaine.

On the other side of the airport, Prudence catches a glimpse of the dishy man. He is greeted by another man and he too, is very dishy and, Prudence thinks, that he looks a bit like, Spiro from her local souvlaki café. The two men kiss one another twice, on each cheek and, walk, arm in arm.

PRUDENCE

Oh well, Cie La Vie…

INT. JOURNEY INTO THE BELLY OF ATHENA

Prudence climbs into a taxi, and sits back inside the plush cool sedan.

The bald-headed, moustached driver asks Prudence, if she has come from the North Pole? She takes a deep breath, and informs him, that she has come from Melbourne, in Australia.  Prudence emphasises that, she is wearing a suede jacket because the weather was extremely cold when she was about to leave her home, in Melbourne, and that she also felt that she was, coming down with a chill, and explains to the driver, that Melbourne is a city, with four seasons in a day. Prudence uses her arms and fingers to convey this to the man.

The taxi driver looks decidedly puzzled and becomes quite cross-eyed.

The Sleeping Goddess

TAXI DRIVER

Allo, my name is Kosta. Welcome to Athens!

EXT. JOURNEY THROUGH ATHENS

They speed through the olive, and citrus, tree-lined boulevards, and wide paved squares edged with cafes, and restaurants. Magnificent sculptures and historic artifacts adorn each street corner.

The city is alive with people. Prudence sighs, and smiles to herself.

PRUDENCE

Thank you Kosta, my name is Prudence. I’m so looking forward to my stay in your beautiful city.

KOSTA

Ella. I take you to see the sights, yeah?

PRUDENCE

Ooo – I’d like that very much, thank you Kosta!

Glorious Athens

THE END

   

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